I hate eating the insides of certain foods.
Cookies, Sausages, Brownies, Chicken.
I was eating a chicken strip the other day and I was eating the outsides and around it. In my head, my grandmothers’ voice said “stop being childish and eat the whole chicken strip!!”.
I proceeded to eat the whole thing and I bit into the middle and it was undone. I spit it out with disgust and immediately felt sick.
I knew I shouldn’t have eaten the inside.
I knew if I had just eaten the crispy outside, that I would’ve been safe from whatever was inside.
It then occurred to me why I had this strange obsession with eating only the outsides of certain food.
I don’t trust it.
I have trust issues.
TRUST: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Trust issues are one of the number one obstacles to connection, warmth, and intimacy.
Where did this begin?
Perhaps it began when:
- My Dad promised to pick up his children to visit with him and he never showed up. Numb.
- The uncertainty of being a child who feared eviction from apartments due to lack of funds. Survival Lessons.
- I didn’t know if I was going to be my mothers niece or daughter when introduced to her peers. I get it. She wanted to stay young forever…
- Boyfriends promised to stay if I had sex one more time. Then they left.
- Expressing myself ended up in punishment, rejection or loss of relationships. Silence.
- Personal items have been rummaged through for proof and personal gain. Violated.
Author Mike Bundrant wrote:
The aching, hurt, and humiliation of the past have become so familiar – the feelings, although heavy and burdensome, are hard to let go because I’m not sure I know how to feel anything else. Just cold and numb.
Trust issues are based on real-life experience, some of it probably originating in childhood, although this isn’t always the case. Some adults legitimately experience horrific betrayal and pain at the hands of others. Trust issues show up as a natural defense mechanism.
I know you’re saying,
“You gather all of this from the obsession of not eating the insides of certain food?”
The answer is yes.
Through my healing journey, everything has become a story.
I’m now aware and curious about everything about myself and others.
Im curious about why I couldn’t even trust myself enough to speak up about things that bothered me.
How do I overcome those destructive patterns and build trust?
- Let go.
- Take the risk of being hurt.
Hold up, say that again, risk being hurt?
You got it!
- Be willing to risk the pain of learning to trust.
- Learn how trust works.
- Learn from the process, rinse and repeat until you can consciously trust and know how to extend trust well.
If I bite into another chicken strip and it is undone. I’m going to be upset and someone will hear about it! No one has time for salmonella!
I will practice learning to trust by actually biting the chicken strip and eating it in its entirety without thoughts that the chicken strip will actually purposely betray or humiliate me.
I have a long road ahead of me, ya’ll.