My supervisor and I are great friends. She’s been my friend/supervisor for 5-6 years and has been nothing short of amazing. Today, she retired. Today was her last day of work. I assisted her with loading her car up with all of her belongings and I sadly said my goodbyes to her. The one thought that crossed my mind was, ” I wonder what she will do next?”
Then it hit me…
What am I going to do next?
My supervisor worked for 37 years. I know her next steps will be relaxing, reflecting and nonetheless, sleeping in. She earned her stripes! Me, on the other hand. I’ve barely scratched the surface.
I feel still.
Over a year ago, my therapist instructed me to practice mindfulness. It was a time where my anxious thoughts would always get the best of me. “Be still and be present”, she would say. I had a hard time with that task. I didn’t fully understand what it meant to be still and focus on the present moment. I had to literally force myself to do it. Similar to correcting your posture. When you notice yourself slouching, you have to tell yourself to sit up straight and after a while it becomes second nature. Every time my mind wandered backwards or too far forward, I had to remind myself to quit that and focus on the moment.
Well, after a year or so, I mastered mindfulness. But like they say, too much of a good thing, can become excessive and/or destructive.
I’m complacent. I’m comfortable. I have no desire to move forward or backward. I like “now”.
Have you ever been so complacent in life where you have no thoughts about what’s next?
I understand that this can be a dangerous place to be in, however, I feel peaceful. I don’t know what happens next in terms of my job/career, I don’t know what happens next for my marriage, I don’t know what happens next for this blog and I don’t take steps to plan or figure it out.
What does this mean?
Am I avoiding life?
Am I basking in peace because it feels so good?
As a person who has suffered from anxiety all my life, am I finally reaching a healing point?
What am I going to do next?
It’s always good to be present. I’m happy that you’re feeling peaceful, but what happens when change effects. When someone imposes on your space. Do you go with the flow and take what they give me? Or do you start putting something in place?
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The logical response would be to have something in place. I’ve always been such a go with the flow person, but that always leads to resentment when things don’t pan out the way I envision. Coasting through life with someone else leading, or just ending up in great situations. Never sure of how I got there. Never a plan. I’m beginning to notice my pattern and trying to figure out how to change it. When someone imposes on my space, I’m often frustrated or disturbed. I have a lot to work on in 2019, to say the least. 🙂
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The beautiful thing about the place that you are in is that you don’t have to do anything right now…but with that said you know part of your world is subject to change without notice just because that is the nature of the beast(the job) and if it was to change “then” what would you do!? Use the peaceful time to take a deep dive into yourself to best understand what makes you tick; discover what you really enjoy, set some goals, and then execute accordingly so you can remain at peace when the winds of change, that inevitably come, because you have prepared for them. Rather than remaining aimlessly adrift on the sea of life, you would have used this time to achieve the goals you set for yourself thus protecting your peace and possibly establishing a legacy that will cover future generations (your kids).
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As always, thank you. Well said.
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