Konfessions: What Am I Going To Do Next?

My supervisor and I are great friends. She’s been my friend/supervisor for 5-6 years and has been nothing short of amazing. Today, she retired. Today was her last day of work. I assisted her with loading her car up with all of her belongings and I sadly said my goodbyes to her. The one thought that crossed my mind was, ” I wonder what she will do next?”

Then it hit me…

What am I going to do next?

My supervisor worked for 37 years. I know her next steps will be relaxing, reflecting and nonetheless, sleeping in. She earned her stripes! Me, on the other hand. I’ve barely scratched the surface.

I feel still.

Over a year ago, my therapist instructed me to practice mindfulness. It was a time where my anxious thoughts would always get the best of me. “Be still and be present”, she would say. I had a hard time with that task. I didn’t fully understand what it meant to be still and focus on the present moment. I had to literally force myself to do it. Similar to correcting your posture. When you notice yourself slouching, you have to tell yourself to sit up straight and after a while it becomes second nature. Every time my mind wandered backwards or too far forward, I had to remind myself to quit that and focus on the moment.

Well, after a year or so, I mastered mindfulness. But like they say, too much of a good thing, can become excessive and/or destructive.

I’m complacent. I’m comfortable. I have no desire to move forward or backward. I like “now”.

Have you ever been so complacent in life where you have no thoughts about what’s next?

I understand that this can be a dangerous place to be in, however, I feel peaceful. I don’t know what happens next in terms of my job/career, I don’t know what happens next for my marriage, I don’t know what happens next for this blog and I don’t take steps to plan or figure it out.

What does this mean?

Am I avoiding life?

Am I basking in peace because it feels so good?

As a person who has suffered from anxiety all my life, am I finally reaching a healing point?

What am I going to do next?